 ♥/volatility
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needs to up her productivity!!!
focus focus focus 2009-07-22|4:37 p.m. like never not like im trying to fake demure and devoted and whatever loyal shit. i still think about you everyday, still remember every little details of everything. what's moving on? i don't force myself to forget, neither do i force myself to recall and remember anything. some things, some feelings, are just etched so deep, if you try to scrape it just so to smoothen out the surface so it looks fine on the outside, it's going to hurt. and the scars are still permanent, should i even question the value of the relationship, how much is it worth to you, how much am i worth to you, that you can just walk away and pretend nothing happened and vigorously want me out of your life, and trying to drown the memories with other things. why am i crying on a random monday night, way past my bedtime, and the tears wouldn't stop no matter how much i want them to. we all make stupid mistakes, and i tried so hard to change for the better, why didn't you see and appreciate it, i may not be the best, but i've never tried so hard in my life before, and i believe i've tried harder than most people would. do i not deserve at least a second chance? do i not deserve the right to at least know where my mistakes are so that i can improve? have you ever thought bout how i would feel? have you considered my feelings? what have you been blinded by all of a sudden, will you see this? will you see this and not think this is some disgusting crap.. everyone tells me things will be fine, someone else will come along, the pain will go away, but there's no use if all the someone else comes along unless i get my heart back, am angry, angry at myself, were you just a lie that i happily made up by myself,
i don't think there is any purpose in questioning what i've been doing for the past eighteen months, or why i've landed myself in this state.
besides, there is no more time to ponder over the past. all i want now, is a stability, peace, so that i can finish this last lap of the journey in comfort. i do have a dream, albeit a small one, and i think i will be very disappointed if i don't get to fulfill it. may all go well.
my best friends are angels :D:D:D
i don't think birthdays are the best indicator of who actually treasures you, but my friends always do such nice stuff on my birthdays! (although of cos they also do nice stuff on random days!!<3) had lotsa fun with the "treasure hunt" which the treasure turned out to be such a sumptuous party with my FAVOURITE ODEN <3(adeline!<3) and very nice cabbage/bacon wraps, among many other nice food!!!! i think all the food is like the best present already!!! and the japanese cheese cake!! can feel all the LOVE while eating!! and then the bernices surprised me by popping at my doorstep with a bear from the build-a-bear place! AND SHE'S SUCH A DEAR, they picked a name and a dress that i would so pick for the bear if i was the one making the bear! awww. i can't imagine life without them!! :( :( especially when we're all going to go separate ways after JC :(
everytime i pop another panadol extra,
i feel really unhappy. i don't just unconsciously pop panadols like crazy, and i definitely notice my over dependence on panadols. i'm only 18, but i think i have more days when i feel unwell than i feel hyper and happy. all the migraines and backaches like to haunt me? i can understand the migraines part but i'm puzzled by the backaches, i can't sit for 3, 4 hours straight to study cos my shoulders and neck would hurt.and i kinda suspect the migraines were induced by the backaches too. and then minus the migraine days, i'll have cramps days, some random eye growth days, some indigestion days, now i caught a cold AGAIN, stubborn cough is back. wah seriously, i don't know who's performing black magic on me, poking all the needles into a voodoo doll that has my name on it. i should exercise ten times more than what i'm doing now, but then how do you even exercise when there's no healthy days for you to do so??! the marathon barely started and my body is crashing already.........
there are certain things that i need to feel strongly about..
my heart drives my determination, it was never my head's duty to do so.
Justina took the How many times will you fall in love before you marry? quiz and the result is 3 times
You are sentimental and a little gullible. When you think your really in love they end it or cheat on you because you are not enough. Right now you are a little paranoid because of your first true relationship, but that will pass. Haha, i guess this quiz is pretty accurate,
seemed like it was a neverending week,
chionged physics revision on monday chionged chem revision on tuesday chionged GP homework on wednesday almost died halfway in school on thursday morning, so giddy i couldn't walk in a straight line. the nap at sick bay was like the best quality sleep i've ever had since duno when. thursday STILL chionging homework while having dinner outside and while shopping for techie stuff. LOL. the salesperson was exclaiming that i'm so hardworking...ohwells.its overdue homework :/ friday morning/evening STILL CHIONGING GP HOMEWORK. wow. that's my eventful week. it was the first time i actually sacrificed sleep for more than one night in a week just to do revision and schoolwork, so much so that my body auto woke up at 4am on a saturday morning cos i've been waking up to do work at 4am almost everyday.. clocked in 11 hours of sleep last night...haha. am still mentally prepared for the worse that has yet to come, this is so the eye of the storm. all this calmness is delusional.LOL.am keeping my fingers crossed praying i won't get grilled. i can't blame anyone else for all the so many things that has happened this 18 months, and what i'd to go through. i guess everything's pretty much over, and the june holidays was used to recharge my tired soul. hahaha. i'm very motivated now, i guess that's all it matters :)
when will you ever stop making me cry?
everything's still so vivid.
thanks everyone who wished me happy birthday :)
xoxoxo
i realised being 18 means you can,
purchase alcohol (yay finally) but i had the worst birthday, probably in my 18 years of life. it was horrible, and i don't want to go on and elaborate on how bad it is. right from the start to the end of the day it was shittzzz. and for one thing, it marks the end of being 17, all its nostalgia of being almost an adult, but not yet one.
am so disappointed with myself.
to do badly at the subject you like just sucks like, real bad. tested on stuff that i didnt really memorised AGAIN. feels like shit right now.
那天，难得拿起一份联合早报。
好久好久好久没看早报了。 我应该觉得内疚吧。哈哈哈。 拿起早报，看的不是头条，最后看一些有的没的， 那散文当中，是否要传达某些深奥的意义，我真的不知道啦，可能是我太肤浅了，只是她形容的各式各样蒸肉饼，让我垂涎三尺，现在真的好想吃蒸肉饼喔。
感觉，这东西很奇怪。
它不给你面子，不来，就是不来。 来了，却又让你无法自拔。 我无法形容，无法拼凑，无法解释的感觉。
最近这里好像被我抛弃，尘埃已开始堆积了。。
哈哈哈。不过也有种预感，来这里的人也逐渐少了，看到一大段用华语噼里啪啦一些有的没的还细心阅读一字一句的人也几乎是零吧。。 现在的我应该在做的事为明天的general paper埋头苦读，不过不知为何突发奇想想到这里po一下。 这几天我想我的同志们都在努力奋斗吧！ 不过说真的，不知为何前几天真的是累垮了，疲惫不知从何而来，无缘无故找上门。睡到骨头都散了，越睡越累，好辛苦才从被窝里爬出。。。:( 哦，不过我也在这几天深思了一些东西/事情。 我自私了，任性了，我的心是否死了？ 人总是这样，好的给你，你不要，然后自讨苦吃，挖一个坑，自己跳进去。不知为何，我觉得，要爱，就要爱得轰轰烈烈，爱得要生要死。爱要有激情，有失望，有疯狂，有有如锋利的刀不断捅你心的那种感觉...... 我可能只不过是一个普普通通的十七岁的女生，可能一生中没有什么事可称得上疯狂，但我觉得我人生道理就是如此。我害怕苍老，我要趁年轻时，无忧无虑地享受着每一刻。想做什么就去做，想逃跑就逃跑，不受任何约束。 但我不排斥爱情，我还是很期待热血沸腾，激昂澎湃。哈哈哈。（我没有看偶像剧啊。。）
seems like i'm abandoning my poor old blog for twitter :(
so much to say! yet so little to say here. sigh, everything's moving SOOOOO FAST!.
i smell bacon downstairs :D
i hope its a good day today. breakfast :) 2009-06-12|8:23 a.m.
it felt like i haven't blogged for the longest time, haha twitter so suits my one line post style.
i was having that little tingly feeling called fear last night before i finally fell asleep. i don't know if you call it wasting time, cos i didn't plonk down in front of the tv or something and not do productive stuff.i didn't felt like i was wasting time away. and then accidents like some growth in your eye appears really do happen...but then i shouldn't be justifying my lack of revision with all these silly excuses..do you think so? church camp is 4 days. and i'm seriously feeling.like.crap. is this a question of faith? i'll be honest and say that the only thing that is stopping me from pulling out of the camp is the fact that i paid 150 bucks for the camp. 4 freaking days, i can do so much revision now that my eye has fully recovered. we were supposed to make camp objectives and pray before our camp. and i think, i need to pray fervently. i'm so tempted to even pray to Guanyin and Allah too, at the state i'm in. but i prayed to God, i don't ask for miracles like pass with flying colours for BT2, but i think i want to go to camp, forge a stronger relationship with God, come back a person with a stronger will, and study from morning till night with MIGHTY DETERMINATION.RAHHHHHHHHH.i see myself do it before once and the fruits of the labour was sweet i want to see myself do it consecutively for TWO BLOODY WEEKS. i really wish God will give me power to do that.
hahaha, i'm at mentoring camp now, and the kids are playing wargames in the field. but then i'm in LT1 illegally using alton's laptop and listening to music :P
i can't play :( :( :( stupid period, stain everything AGAIN. and alton's laptop has like keys that dropped out.... i'm kinda looking forward to campfire later.haha.
short term:
pay ahxue $12 sodagreen's new album long term: perm, colour hair
B for chem C for GP E for math E for physics i'm being a little ambitious here, considering my BT1 results, but hey, you won't score high if you don't aim high :) this is bullshit cos i don't deserve to reap any rewards!
TEACHERS are encouraged to become more involved in designing and researching their own teaching, learning contexts and practices, said Ms Grace Fu, senior minister of state for national development and education at the opening of the third Redesigning Pedagogy International Conference on Monday.
The biennual conference, organised by the National Institute of Education from Monday to Wednesday, was attended by about 1,200 participants - about two thirds of whom are teachers and education officers - from 27 countries. A keynote address by Professor David Berliner from the Arizona State University in the United States highlighted the unintended consequences of a preoccupation of test scores on reading and mathematics in the US: undermining motivation in students, less time given to other subjects like social studies, history, art, physical education and science. Asked about the education system here, he said Singapore's focus to Teach Less, Learn More is on the right track, though it has not achieved the outcome yet. More than 400 papers will be presented at this year's conference. st.com haha, just when i was telling bkoh this morning how our geog lectures should be conducted like ted lecture series. i love ted lectures!!!!!!!!!!!!
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