if we've both been hurt and you don't trust me, why am i trusting you? why am i spilling all my secrets to you?

and then what do you do? you judge me,

you judge me.
take me, and compare with other people,
and decide that i'm worse off.

lately i realised that i have to take everything with a pinch of salt. everything. everything that you see or hear. because nothing and nobody is an absolutely reliable source, not your parents, not your teachers, not your friends, not your scientists with their science research papers, not your political leaders, not even pastors, not even things you see with your own eyes.

to be honest, they bore me.

everything that comes out is so politically, morally correct, and most of the time its just her personal recounts on the events in her life(which is quite boring :/), and she gets like more than half the page spread.

in her most recent article, she expressed that Gen Y hasn't experienced hardship. (i.e materialistic.)

instead of supporting her point with substantial evidence, she recounted her experience in Toronto, where she lived on 1000 canadian dollars a month, just above the poverty line.

ok, i wouldn't say that she grew up with a silver spoon in her mouth being MM Lee's daughter, but i'll have the impression that she grew up quite comfortably, she didn't have anything to worry about and could go ahead with pursuing her goals and dreams, with full emotional and financial support from her family, because she's taken a path that is more or less, traditional.

besides, you can't compare hardships by your monthly expenditure. and i don't think you can make the sweeping statement that the younger generation do not know what hardship is just because we spend more on things that we want, rather than things that we need.

i'm not claiming that i have more life experience than her, duh, no. a senior neurosurgeon who has been on this Earth decades more than me, a naive eighteen year old, definitely has more life experience than me and deserves more respect than i do.

but there are many different young people out there, teenagers from broken, abusive families, those who did not have the chance to go through proper schooling, etc etc. they've been through harder times than just having little money to spend.

...maybe i'm just stubborn, if i were to be told off for being materialistic, i don't want lee wei ling to be doing it.

someone i met today unknowingly said something that really struck me,

shall not go into the details bout the content, but what i learnt is that, i don't need to care bout what other people think, whether they are selfish, whether they are morally right, whether they deserve it or not.

i still want to hold firm to my beliefs and principles, but i cannot impose them on other people, because society will not change to suit my liking.

and i don't really care whether people are jealous of me, or whether they gossip bout me. im pissed for a day and thats it. i only care about what you think. i only need your affirmation.

maybe it's really a blessing in disguise. it hurts, but it made me learn, and it made me grew, it made me see things in a different light, and it made me treasure simple things even more. i know it's better for you, maybe, it's better for me too.

whatever, just something to express all my bottled up emotions that are looking for an outlet to overflow.

if it happens again,
maybe i'll like complain a little.

but it sporadically happens.
and during a particular unlucky day, it happens twice on a single day.

one. WHAT THE FUCK.

two. if you want to gossip about people, do it right in front of them, or do it totally behind their backs. it's extremely distasteful to do it and get caught, every single time.

three. if there's something i'm quite good at, is reading gazes/looks/stares whatever. i almost could tell your thoughts through your eyes. stop telling the whole world i got dumped etc etc. its none of your business, and one day you will be dumped.

four. i have nothing to do with you. and i have never done anything that hurt you or offend you.

five. i think the most disgusting type of people are those who spread rumours, worst when they came up with it themselves. and then they derive joy from spreading unfounded rumours about people whom they have never talked to and do not know at all.

six. so what if you have a high IQ. it doesn't hide the fact that you're just, low.class.

i'm not really deprived of sleep,
not really zonked,
but
i just want to
i want to sleep.

sleep.
sleep.
sleep.

i think i'm more tactful about gossiping and bitching, or spreading any hearsay.

i can't deny that i don't do any of the above because i am a human, not a saint, but i keep my not so positive comments exclusively for horrendous people who are just plain ridiculous. and of cos, only to my very close friends.(then again, close friends are close friends of other people and other people...)

i've been trying to be nicer to people whom in the past has pissed me off, because i don't really want others to bear grudges against me, and i wish people would give me second chances to prove myself to be a better person. nicer, sweeter :D, less critical(like quite hard :/).

whatever it is, i just want to be a happier, better person.

when will i ever ever ever get out of this shit. i tried to pull myself out, but i kept drowning and drowning.

i know i'm making people worried, and i know that i'm allowing people to mock at how stupid and silly and desperate i am.

but i loved, and i think somewhere in a deep corner of my heart that i've been trying to cover with many many other preoccupations, i still love.

that's a fact.

I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A bed that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart
I’ll never let it fall apart
But strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

Tough we have not hit the ground
It doesn't mean we're not still falling,
Oh I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes you so hard to stay
Nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

i know you're listening to this song when you made your decision, i know you well.

if the battle's half fought, why quit?
unless you have fought half-heartedly and found that it was more worth it to quit.

why did you do something so half-heartedly then?

*19:00
I checked my trap and found that I had caught a mouse! I caught an 8 oz. Fairy mouse from the Great Gnarled Tree worth 5,768 points and 938 gold.

The mouse also dropped the following loot:
1 Map of the Lagoon.

*19:04
I sounded the Hunter's Horn.
I was successful in my hunt! I caught a 2 oz. Centaur mouse from the Great Gnarled Tree worth 3,799 points and 962 gold.

The mouse also dropped the following loot:
1 Gnarled Cheese Curd Potion.

shh!! haha :D

i am going to go to Lorong Kilat, and i want to eat spicy korean noodles, maybe udders icecream and buy tarts for breakfast tmr!!

i want to have a tongue piercing like zijing :D

i want to have tattoos on my hand, on the back of my neck and above my butt.

i want to make out on a gondola while going down the canals of venice.

i want to run away from home.

i want to french kiss an angmoh.

i want to visit norway to see mooses and grizzlies and foxes and wolves.

i want to make a short film using those vintage video cameras.

i want to bungee jump.

i want to take a boat ride down colorado river.

i want to wear a yukata and watch fireworks during summer in japan.

i want to take almost-nude studio shots.

i want to paint an oil painting.

i want to gain 3 kg eating street food in taiwan.

i want to visit africa,climb up a baobab tree.

i want to ride a horse.

只有灰。

只有人在不同的情况下，做了对或错的选择。

如果你平常不喜欢的人，会对你说出启发你的一句话，
你爱的人，也可能因为一个决定，给你一辈子都不会忘记的痛。

i'm stressed.

too much burden, too much disappointment, too much hopes dashed, dreams burnt,

finish this, die at the finishing line,
someone will pull you aside.

让这五年的时间，
抹去心里的一个痛，
让我从梦中清醒，
让我发现，
你变了，
我也变了。
让我不再梦到你，
不再害怕想到你，
不再想你，
不再为你哭泣。
了解生命如此，
我们的人生道路上，只不过偶然地交叉过那么美丽的一次。

五年，
从新学会如何敞开胸怀地笑，
勇敢地面对重重挑战，
学会爱自己，
因为我值得被爱。

五年
疯狂
无约束
用热忱去感受，
青春带来的无限希望，刺激，澎湃。
青春，也只不过那么一次。

seeing people strolling, running their errands, mugging, sleeping, spending couple time, going home, having CCA, playing chinese chess,

and me, waiting.
because i thought if you wait patiently, what you want will eventually be yours,
and no matter how horrible waiting is,
i persevered.

and then i secretly cried a little,
everything seemed the same,
yet every thing has changed.

barely ate anything for the whole day today,
volleyball+complete 5 stations in 10 minutes. oh it was crazy, it was like amazing race. and amazing it was, i jumped the furthest i've ever jumped for standing broad jump upon first try.

i miss all the toning that ninjado provides me with...but im scared to go back :(

1.5 hrs physics, 3 hours maths consult immediately after that. CHIOOOOONG. and totally exhaused now.

maybe i should lock this place,
and keep my simplest feelings..

and there are always only two words that i kept wanting to say,

4 pathetic physics questions.

a rough gauge of how much time i wasted achieving nothing out of this 4 pathetic physics questions, is a whopping 12 hours.

12 hours worth of energy.

look i really don't bloody care that my physics sucks, at least that is not my priority now,

12 hours is absolutely ridiculous, im sure i can achieve so much more if i was doing chem, geog and maybe even math or gp.

time is really running short, and i feel really really frustrated that i'm wasting time doing unproductive revision,

never mind that 《背影》is written by 朱志清 and not 鲁迅 and never mind that its just a 散文 that doesn't require you to 通宵 to finish reading,

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns.
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins.
And it wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out.

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love.
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out.

So what is one to do when the pain in your heart hurts as bad as a physical gash. How do you cope when you are so sad you find it hard to breathe, when the future looks futile and you wake up crying?

Acute sadness debilitates the mind and body, but there are always ways to fight it.

Some say the key to a happier life is to lower your expectations:aim low(or don't aim at all), and appreciate what you currently have instead of dreaming about hitting the happiness jackpot in the future.

Others point out how reconciling with loss and sadness can take many forms.

You can, for example, choose to devalue what was lost so its absence becomes less haunting.

You can analyse the loss at length to delay having to come to terms with it, or you can memorialise it and subsist on momentoes and memories.

You can also deny the loss and live in the past or you can blame everything and everyone around you to lessen the guilt you might feel for the part you played in the heartbreak.

You can even find a substitute for the loss to help you forget.

-photocopying card, probably no credit inside already.
-atm card, only $6 left in my account :(
-ezlink card with my primary 4 foto!! how exciting
-kopitiam card
-NRIC
-roxy name card that comes with the wallet
-athena 2008 calendar
-"Nothing we can do to make God loves us less, nothing we can do will make Him loves us more, He loves us unconditionally with an everlasting love" card. not quite amused, wonders if God loves little african kids as much as he loves me,
-Arts Fest concert 2009 tix stub, somehow its too nice to throw away
-PAssion card
-SAFRA card (LOL never used it before can)
-Teo Heng KTV card that ziran gave me
-Kbox membership card
-mccafe coffee devotee card (EXPIRED)
-beadspin bonus card (this card is good, no expiry date, and i think it's the only card which i can complete and get free stuff)
-pawsome style card from build-a-bear, wonders if i'll ever have money to get a straw bag for juliette!
-Toh Yi family clinic card: allergy to ibuprofen......
-swim coach's namecard. it says Professional swim coach, squash coach, tennis coach, badminton instructor.
-8-11 clinic and surgery card (so many clinic cards..)
-Suhavana house of beauty card.
-my hairstylist's namecard.
-some card that shirley wrote me eons ago using the 0.28 or smth pen.
-carrefour receipt
-starbucks coffee receipt
-sistic receipt
-2 fairprice finest receipt
-ntuc club funkey
-pariss international buffet
-JUMPSTART ORIENTATION 08 CHEERS card. hahaha omg, i still kept it.
-4 bobby pins
-1 plaster
-$5 note
-4 gold 5cent coins, 1 old 5cent coin, 1 dollar coin, another dollar coin reserved for trolleys, lucky 20cent coin that the man at the prata shop gave me.

grandma's back from perth for a little while, oh miss her and miss perth!

things i MUST do today.

-pack notes ESPECIALLY GEOG NOTES
-finish urbanisation (sounds like an impossible task)
-oh shoot tang is coming in for h1 physics revision tmr, so dead! (ok i don't know what i'm supposed to do to prepare for this, read the notes? but i've read it like so many times.....and still fail)
-finish reading today's, yesterday's and last sunday's newspapers..maybe time magazine D: thats so many things to read
-dooooooooooooooo quiet time
-upload fotos
-crappss no more time to squeeze in for chem/math revision,

if you choose not to befriend me because of other people's experience with me,(just like how i can dislike you just cos i refuse to like you)
then it's really none of my business,

i couldn't care less,
don't need people sucking up to me,
and don't need to suck up to anybody.