nowadays i'm upset if i wake up to drilling sounds,
and this morning i'm glad i have 15 minutes of tranquility.

birds chirping.crickets.cars on the PIE.just little sounds of life.

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how."

i took the bus specially to macritchie, then walked all the way into thomson to far east flora to get a bunch of roses.

i was shuffling down the aisles and taking the flowers down from the shelves and putting them back like many times the workers prolly thought i was weird.

then i visited my fave cold room, and finally found the indian roses aside from the b grade cheenapok roses.

gee, i miss messing with flowers, but too broke to buy for flower arrangement D:

and saw many huge christmas trees along the way!

so yupp, i spent longer than expected at far east, and i saw my 157 go past, 52 came next, DON'T ASK ME WHY I TOOK IT BUT I TOOK IT D: and to dare take it before checking the bus route...and then i realised, oh crap this doesn't stop in front of my house got confused by all the one way streets in bukit timah.

i was so taken aback by the bus driver's cuteness i paused for like 0.2 seconds and then i decided to tap my card and not ask him anything about the route. LOL. he had braces when he smiled! :D

and i almost freaked out cos he turned into BKE, and it didn't look like the bus was exiting the expressway anytime soon. and then i wanted to burst out laughing in the bus.

well, luckily it made a familiar turn and i found myself at a bus stop within walking distance of my house.

dress-$55
earrings-$2
bracelet-$14
shoes-$39.90
mani/pedi-$44
hair-$25
makeup-$25
clutch-grandma brought from perth

total: $204.90

i'm the gaga-ing over river island, omega watches, salvatore ferragamo, shu-umera girl, or just the downright cheapo $10 woman who jostle with aunties without saying excuse me and snatching dirt cheap watches, purses, bags, false eyelashes at 3 for $5, $1 nail varnish, $1 tops and $3 slippers.

and then everyone will try to ask me fuck. like do silly things and ask me silly questions.
i have to entertain whole LOAD of shit.

why can't people just leave me alone seriously? if i screw up my a levels seriously its not MY fault.

make jellyhearts
kbox with branden
bodyworlds exhibit
sungei buloh!
prom
starcruise trip!!
men in white
xw's pride and prejudice dvd
kittylab!!
promdress hunt
hair appointment
facial
barista
please date me!

The whirlwind of the recycled paper was a sight to see

It was like computer graphics!

The fact that I don't support technicolor parfaits and snobby petit bourgeois is common knowledge in Oceania!

Now is time to return home to the blue sky!

The confetti will dance around the shrine gates!

The mailbox and the refrigerator will lead the way!

Anyone who cares about expiration dates will not get in the way of the glory train!

They need to fully realise the the liver of the triangle rulers!

Now, this festival was decided by the thirdgrade class with the telephoto camera!

Move forward! Come together! I am the ultimate governor!

Chief Psychiatrist,
Paprika

public holiday!

therefore, i've decided to just dump everything that is irritating me into the bin. life's too short to be fussing over these things and be upset about it.

into the bin goes brand new ugly hair accessories, things that drop out from dolls, hair clips, hair ties, clothes, pendants with no chains, earrings that i never wore and will never wear again...i think there's more to go. like brand new UGLY clothes, or clothes that don't fit, clothes that are just outdated.

my life is filled with all these shit! why!

technically speaking, it should be a happy enjoyable and fruitful day with yushi.

sadly it isn't (no, it isn't yushi!)

my mum asks me why i want to make myself miserable. HAH. easy for her to say.

one. the Lift upgrading programme works were especially noisy today. and they always start promptly at 8.30am. good way to start your day seriously.

two, i tried to blow my hair straight following recommendations by yushi, to no avail. it's still a thick frizzy mop(no matter how much conditioner or treatment). i tried to tie a bun, yet to no avail again cos its way too thick and way too long.

three, i don't want to go shopping with my fringe pinned up, but it has been seriously irritating me for the whole entire day. i don't know how those ah bengs survive with those fringes of theirs.

four, went to hawker centre to eat, and the lift to bloody long to come(as usual). i swear the whole entire world is using the lift every second. the lift upgrading workers, the renovation workers, the internet cable installers, the maids, the kids, the elderly, the i duno whoever whatever. you just have to wait bloody long to use the dumb lift.

five, three quarters of the stalls are closed at the hawker centre. and i eat food from there every single day im so sick of everything!

six, the uncle who makes proper teh-c is on holiday.

seven, the lao ya pok teh c also must queue to buy!

eight, chilli splashed onto the top i was wearing and i had to tolerate a haphazard combination outfit that i totally hated for the entire day. i felt like a dumpling, it was hot, and i was all wrapped up.

nine, i had more fuck on my face. and i can't cover anything with everything. my cursed skin is all his fault seriously.

ten, I CAN'T DRAW EYELINER ON LEFT EYE.

eleven, the stupid double eyelid kept hiding for the left eye.

twelve, i had to walk super long distance under the hot sun to take a bus to newton.

thirteen, the bus just didn't want to come!!!!

fourteen, i have no idea why there was a jam on a thursday afternoon, but there was. and the bus was bopping i felt like throwing up.

fifteen, kitty lab had to be held at the hall furthest from the MRT station.

sixteen, i was a good citizen and didn't bring my digi cam cos it says no photography but everyone was just snapping away!

seventeen, decided that my nail polish colour sucked.

eighteen, all the clothes and shoes are super ugly.

nineteen, i want to take out my earphones to listen to music on the bus and i couldn't find that dang rubber. UGH.

twenty, i hit my head on the pole on the bus cos the lady didn't want to move to let me get out of my seat.

i could've tolerated certain things...not for the fact that I'M HAVING THE WORSE PMS PERIOD OF MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE, I GET PISSED AT NOTHING AND THEN I GET PISSED AT MYSELF FOR BEING PISSED AT NOTHING.

in my opinion, it has only cursed me with bad health and bad skin.

do you know how much pain you've caused me?
i guess not.

and that's what love is isn't it? we get hurt, and we hurt others. our happiness is built upon sadness of others.

its every woman's given right to wear heels. whether short tall fat skinny.

i swear this world is ending because i'm taking A levels physics.

bib dress
floral dress

paint splashed cardi
electric blue skinnies
cotton tunic
hoodie

uh-huh, what does for your own sake means? somehow its only applicable if you want to become a scholar/lawyer/doctor/engineer/architect (insert any "reputable job").

being a butcher is also reputable, he can tell whether a piece of meat is good for making steamed mince meat or good for making soup.

being a hairdresser is also reputable, my hairdresser remembers me and knows the way i like my hair to be done....its just a matter of perspective.

i never had a driving force to do well in my studies, yes, people nag about how its my duty to be a student blah blah blah. when i was in primary school, my mum made me do stacks of assessment books and exam papers. i cleared them by the stackloads, no, not because i can play after i finish my homework, or that if i did badly my parents will scold me, cos i dont rmb being scared about bad results. i just did my work without any purpose.

after 12 years of formal education, i can tell you, i still have no idea what's my purpose of studying. sometimes i really do admire those people who study very hard, even though they may have no specific target, except that they "want to do well in A levels, so I can choose whereever i want to go."

i used to think, maybe i'm doing it for my parents, so that they would not have to worry about retirement, but many things happened along the way, that made me realised that maybe it is not an unconditional love, it is an investment, worse when its a petty investment where you pool in so little resources and expect great returns. and if the investment fails, you just accept it cos there's no other way around it, are you going to kill yourself? no, duh.

for a short period of time, i craved the comforts that financial stability and status may bring about.and maybe that should be my goal. and then i came to the realisation that, i don't really belong to that life, even if i had it, i wouldn't be happy.

i'm not looking down on education, because it has equipped me with the awareness of liberty, amongst many other things. once again, i enforce that i enjoy learning, and i take pride in the fact that i am constantly aware of things happening around the world, constantly pursuing knowledge that interests me. but i also remembered an article i read in GP lesson, it mentioned that, you cannot say you know something, until you have sat down and memorised it, and that is the toughest lap in the pursuit of knowledge.

so what is it that i want? so what if i have finished a major exam, what's ahead of me? more examinations...

hahah, i kept saying i'll find it, i'll find it, i wonder if 50 years down the road, i'll still be saying, i'll find it, i'll find it, i'll find the meaning to life.

"do you want anything from perth?"

i feel like replying,

"i want to be in perth."

i bawled, long time since i've done that.
because i felt lonely, and empty,
and i slept in, and told myself, sleep for as long as you want.

and i felt so much better today.
it felt like all the superficialities disappeared, and its a beautiful morning, and this beauty is real, not surreal.

maybe this so called realistic world views crying as a weakness, and does not tolerate emotions in professionalism...but maybe i see weaknesses as living a real life, as opposed to fulfilling duties responsibly and completing tasks dutifully.

but post a level schedule :D

its just those unlucky moments when i really crave company, and then i'm left alone....

i can't blame anyone, cos nobody's obliged to be with me,
and everyone apologised politely.

at the same time,
i have,
no money to spare for retail therapy
no money to feed myself good food
no money to take multiple bus rides
no time to do any of the above.

i woke up at 11am,
cabbed down to school,
alighted for the first time right infront of the staff building's porch just like a guest,
went around in school in flops for the whole day,
went to serene macs for math tuition,
decided to walk back to school instead of taking a bus,
walked past burger shack, decided to give adeline a call, and so fated! she was just around the corner!
started studying in school at about 7+, adeline and bkoh were discussing about mirror and time, "which is the cruel one? mirror or time?"
while i was having fun doing MATH with byeo :D
adeline then drove us to Udders! and we had earl grey and WHISKEY JAVA CHOC on waffle.
maybe i got a little drunk on whiskey java choc...:P
i came home, weighed my backpack,
and found out that i've been carrying a load worth 5.4kg. HAHAHA.
had dinner at 11pm.love my friday tv fest of amazing race and survivor.

try hard to be different, equilibrium shifts, and situations stubbornly remains the same.

be normal, and the equilibrium shifts and then suddenly everything's different,

these days everything looks mundane on the surface, yet secretly i know, everything is changing a little each day.

hey,
what would you do,
if you knew that on the 4th of October 2009, 11.53pm,
i cried,
because i miss you.

how much can a year change someone!

i'm choosing between being entirely emotionally independent and craving that little more care, concern and love.

hate saturdays.
oops, it's a sunday today?

do you think people care about you?
wake up naive little one,
everyone only cares about their own selfish needs.

teachers need to stop being such drones,
notes need to be more focussed and concise.

life goes on for you, free and easy.
yet i didn't get my happiness back.

you covered every single aspect of life in this grey blanket of listlessness.

came across this while reading today's papers.

(in a response to the decline of the level of interest in physics among students, by Lui Pao Chuen)
"..there was a perception among students that the subject was difficult to grasp conceptually, as well as one that was difficult to do well in during exams. Another reason identified was that the teaching methods used may not be interesting, resulting in more students dropping physics through upper secondary, junior college and university."

bingo.

i don't think its a perception among students though, it's a fact.
fact that hwachong is really bad at teaching physics. and hwachong relatively does not do well in physics for A levels as compared to the percentage of distinctions in other subjects.

i'm not putting the blame on hwachong for my horrific physics results.

but hey, i chose to pursue a higher education in physics, and there was a reason for doing so, not that i had a lack of choice or whatsoever. i genuinely had some degree of interest in the subject, but alas when i came to jc, came to hwachong, it was completely doused and snuffed out.

firstly, the teachers are really bad at instilling passion in the subject. they are hardly inspirational.
secondly, in the context of Singapore's education system, it's a sad fact that studying always comes first, learning second.

i've always seen myself as someone who is curious, who wants to learn about things. i feel excited when i buy newspapers in the morning, receive a new copy of national geographic or even a new set of chemistry notes.

i'm not a lazy learner, but i admit i'm a lazy student. i hate drilling, i hate practices, although these are essentials to fully comprehend and appreciate a theory, a concept, a skill. i especially don't like to do it if i have no interest in it.(like physics and math)

i know i'm not an airhead who knows nothing. i know a hell load of things that people don't. and i'm always keen on picking up facts and ideas. but they are always facts and ideas inapplicable to academia progress.

i'm really sick of being overshadowed by academic overachievers, i look stupid when i'm among them. so much so that someone told me that the first time he met me, he felt that i'm shrouding myself in an aura of inferiority. wow.

it's contradicting, i don't want to mug and not learn, but i also don't like the fact that people look down on you because of your results, that's how judgemental people are.

guess that's how society is.
there is only one fundamental question to societal issues,
how do we strike a balance between conforming to expectations of society without risking the loss of our own identity?

Blue:

Values:
Sensitivity
Harmony
Compassion

Joys:
Romance
Friendships Affection

Strengths:
Nurturer
Sincere
Creativity

Needs:
Understanding
Love
Affection

Frustrations:
Lack of Romance
Disharmony
Time Limits

At work you have a strong desire to influence others so they may lead more significant lives. You often work in the arts, communication, education, and helping professions. You are adept at motivating and interacting with others.

In love you seek harmonious relationships. You are a true romantic and believe in perfect love that lasts forever. You bring drama, warmth, and empathy to relationships. You enjoy sysmbols of romance such as flowers, candlelight, and music and cherish the small gestures of love.

i close my eyes, all i think of is mess mess mess.

it's not like i've never tried..sometimes i try too hard and screw things up,

hard work, sincerity, effort does not equate results, recognition, success nor satisfaction.

yes, not even that little bit of satisfaction,

six years of your life you've been lagging behind, six years later you'll eventually get sick and tired of catching up. even if you've caught up once, you can't keep up the pace, and you'll lag behind again.

you're better than the masses, but no, you're not good, you're overshadowed by all the overachievers surrounding you, there's nothing good about you.

我太过认真 所以才相信所谓的永恒
爱让人恍神 所以止不住不小心沉沦
我太负责任 不允许有太多悔恨
对自己坦诚 多坦诚 我自有分寸

无辜的人 很需要叹气声
我只是无辜的人 很需要叹气声
有一些文字的吻 只留给伤过的人
明知道有些问题 没有答案还是要问
原谅我 因为我就是 这样的
原谅我 因为我就是 这样的女生

我现在就蹲在这条线的前面，我盯着这条线。
我在哭泣，
我没有勇气，
但却没人能拉我过去，没人能推我过去。

决定，在我自己手中。

爱沿着拋物线 离幸福 总降落得差一点
流着血心跳却不曾被心痛削减 真真切切
青春的拋物线 把未来始于相遇的地点
至高后才了解 世上月圆月缺只是错觉
只是错觉